This is the first in a series of posts we will be doing featuring the words of patients, friends and family members who have had experiences at JWHO. For obvious reasons many women want to remain anonymous when they share their stories. J.R. had her procedure at JWHO in 2006 she reports she received excellent, caring care at the clinic. This is her story in her words–
“I attended my first abortion rally when the Abortion Rights Freedom Riders came through Mississippi in August of 2013. I used to lean towards Pro-Life as a young adult but also leaned towards the belief that when it came down to it, it was a woman’s choice. My story has experienced both sides of the coin. As a young 21 year old I became pregnant. I lived at home with my parents and the guy I was dating was a good guy, but it wasn’t working. He was in love with someone else. He tried to make it work, but around my 7th month it all pretty much fell apart.
I struggled with the idea of being a single mom, how would I make it, what man will want me with a kid, all the preconceived notions that a young person has and all the fear that comes with it. I already felt so ashamed for my family who were and are your typical loving church going Christians. They loved and supported me but we didn’t “flaunt” the fact that I was pregnant. I had no baby shower, there was no “happiness” in this situation.
I worked two jobs to pay off the debt I had at the time and prepared for my life changing event. We discovered my baby had deformities, she would be ok but she was going to need surgeries. This was disheartening but we were all ok. I wept for her, I wept for me, I wept for the burden I felt we would be on my family. During a weekly dr’s visit, 2 weeks away from my due date, to listen for her heartbeat-they could not find the heartbeat. The dr took me into his office and began to tell me what I couldn’t believe I was hearing. He wanted me to come back the next day and they would do one more ultrasound to try to find the heartbeat and if it wasn’t there I would be admitted into the hospital to induce labor.
I got into my mother’s car and broke down. I was heartbroken that all of a sudden, this baby that was unexpected that was going to need so much care, that was going to change my life forever was dead. All of a sudden all the “worries” that I had had over being a single mom were gone and I was left being a mom in grief. How could I not want something so bad and be so sad over it when I was terrified of what was to come? I called the father of the baby, he came to me just as upset. He stayed with me that night. Then went with me the next day to not hear the heart beat.
We went to the hospital and they prepared me to give birth to my dead daughter. I held her, I loved her, I buried her. I mourned a long time for her. I blamed myself for so many things. Things I could have done differently, things I could not go back and change. I promised her I would make something out of my life and make her proud.
Fast forward 8 years, I was now 29 living on my own with a good job. Everything was going pretty well for me except my love life. I was dating a guy and we had been together for a couple years but my heart wasn’t in it. I was about to end it at any moment, I had just not worked up the nerve to do it. Then one day it happened, I found out that I was pregnant.
No! Not again! How could I have let this happen again?! I felt anger at myself because I should have known better. Did I not learn everything I needed to know through my tragic experience? I did not want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I could not put my family though another unexpected unwanted pregnancy. I just said over and over and over to myself….I can’t do this….I can’t do this. I was racked with anger, guilt, grief, remorse and sadness because obviously I had not lived up to the promise I had made to my daughter. I was barely making it pay check to pay check. I could not do it. The time wasn’t right. The man wasn’t right. I couldn’t go through another possible difficult pregnancy, not with someone I wasn’t in love with. I just couldn’t.
So I made my decision. I went to the clinic and I made arrangements to have my abortion. I told no one but one friend that went with me. I walked inside those doors alone. I sat in the waiting room alone. I went home after it was over alone. I punished myself with my own guilt. It was not an easy choice to make but it was my choice to make. Contrary to what the anti’s like to think we do not make these choices lightly. We do not use abortions as birth control or an excuse to be a loose woman. We struggle. We hope. We believe. We choose. Now I am married to the love of my life, I could not be any happier and as far as kids…..well, we’ll see where our love takes us.”
We thank her for having the courage to share her story!